the president of the united states is potus. john steinbeck wrote "the grapes of wrath." because -- well, they're always lucky. kids are the luckiest. they get a lollipop when they get a vaccine shot. when you get a shot in general you get a lollipop. then when you get older they just stop giving you the lollipop. but, i mean, why do you not need a lollipop? i don't understand what that has to do with anything. because you still got the shot. there's no need to stop giving people a lollipop. when i ask my doctor for a lollipop, he says, grow up, there trevor. but i just like lollipops. i just think it's -- you know, whatever. i could buy my own lollipops. that's not the point. a free lollipop -- a lollipop is like a reparations lollipop for something that has happened in

your life. you know what i mean? buying your own lollipop is ridiculous. i'm a grown man going into a store, can i have a lollipop, please. >> coming to you from the heart of times square, the most important place on earth, it's "the daily show." tonight, the nurses are not all right. covid's biggest stars. and aly raisman. this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ♪♪ >> trevor: all right, let's kick things off with the wildfires. when climate change says you're gonna learn today. in california wildfires have been spreading like -- what's something that spreads really fast? anyway, for months, these wildfires have been burning down thousands and thousands of trees, which is bad enough, but now they're threatening to burn down famous trees. >> the associated press says california firefighters are scrambling to protect a grove of giant ancient sequoia trees.

yesterday flames reached one grove with the trail of 100 giant sequoias is a national monument. firefighters battled to keep the blaze from driving further into another grove of 2,000 sequoias. where the base of the world's largest tree known as if general sherman and other trees have been wrapped in protective foil. >> trevor: that's right, protective foil. imagine being the scientists who figured this out. one minute you're in the cafeteria about to eat a baked potato and the next minute you're, like, wait a minute! if the protective foil doesn't save the tree, it will make it delicious! it may sound extreme but this is a celebrity trustee, you know, it's the same way we shrugged off coronavirus until tom hanks got it, then we shut the planet down. tom's got it! not to mention general sherman is not just the largest tree in the world, it has also been

around for over 2,000 years. that tree probably knew the cross jesus died on. it sees a crews fix and it's like, steve! steve! you realize that tree is so old it was around during slavery, and it tid nothing to stop it. you just stood there and watched us, tree! you watched us! then again, i feel like there's something we don't consider, right? 2,000 years is a long time for anything to be alive. how do we know this tree actually wants to be saved? it might have been happy to see the fire coming, it's the circle of life. >> at least, i can finally be at peace! no, oh! they're human! they're wrapping me in foil! what are you doing you stupid humans! no! my wife is waiting for me in tree heaven, you idiot! wait for me, linda, and don't you be boning steve up there! let's move from the crisis in california to the crisis in

afghanistan, a retirement home for america's most expensive weapons. since the taliban took back control of the country, they've announced girls cannot go to school and that women aren't allowed to play sports or hold most jobs. it's basically like if brit at this' conservatorship were a country. looks like the taliban are awarding themselves with much deserved r&r. >> three weeks since the u.s. military left afghanistan. the taliban is taking advantage of the abandoned luxuries left behind. take a look at the photos posted by a journalist that have gone viral. shows the taliban fighters in pedal boats on the lake of an empty park. militants hit the waters in the summer shade like swan, flamingo or whatever bird themed vessels, taliban members were seen paddling carrying weapons looks like to be a rocket launcher in one shot. >> trevor: america left two

weeks ago and the taliban already has a navy? once you're peddling inside the swan boat, you can put the rocket launcher down, guys. yeah, i'm sure they feel they have to be armed in case a skirmish breaks out but you're still in a paddle boat. it's like a paradox. can't be gangster in a paddle boat. look, the infidel, let's get him! whee! americans should be happy about the story. for 20 years, america trade to export its values to afghanistan and it worked. now the taliban all posing like instagram influences. take one of me with the rocket launcher next to the swan. what do you think? this is going to get so many likes. finally a story about insects. they're having sex in your hair right now. also a new one that's terrorizing in united states. >> say hello to the spotted

lantern fly, officials warn the pests are wreaking havoc on fruit crops, trees and lawn furniture up and down the east coast. they made to itation and known for the pale pinkish grey wings, black dots and starlet undercoat first documented in pennsylvania in 2014. while they aren't a threat to human or pets they feed off 70 types of plants and trees. in the four years since they first showed up at a vin yashed in pennsylvania, they've caused hundreds of thousands of damage. >> we want you to identify and squish it if you see them. >> trevor: whoa, whoa, whoa, you can't tell untrained civilians to go insect hunting. it will end in disaster. people will be in the street killing innocent butterflies. i got it! oh, shit, what if i done? i'll say it was affiliated with i.s.i.s. does that work? this is a nice change of pace. usually the government is telling us, oh, you have to save this animal. save that animal! and now, finally, we have an

animal we're supposed to kill. i think it's good to have that balance in life. you know, yeah, you want to save the spotted owl, but then you're allowed to squish this little shit. i think all rules should be like that's. like if we're required to wear masks, we should be allowed not to wear pants in public. balance. yin and i can't yang. basically it's up to us to stop this species from destroying everything. i don't know how confident i am, guys. i feel like we're only a few weeks away from the world being covered in these spotted lantern flies. you to can't make me stomp on the lantern fly. 24-s a free country! aaahhh! they're all over me! too much freedom, too much freedom! aaahhh! the top story, the coronavirus pandemics, the second war america is losing in 2021. this pandemic is making lyft

hard on a lot of people -- restaurant owners, students, horses who have to get used to backfull of worms now. perhaps nobody has been hit harder than nurses. you remember early in the pandemic whenever 7:00 p.m. rolled around we stopped what we were doing, we would go out to our windows and clap for the nurses. i did it every night unless i was in the middle of a really good show like tiger king. damn that got us through some of the tough times! give it up for tiger king. i love it. the point is we recognized the heroic sacrifices healthcare workers were making during the pandemic. then at some point we all stopped clapping but nurses never stopped sacrificing and right now things are as bad as ever. >> a grim picture as the delta variant dprips the nation. hospitals across the country overwhelmed by the unvaccinated. >> right now 97% of the people in the hospital with covid and nearly all the covid deaths

reported are among the unvaccinated. >> exhaustion turning into outright anger for healthcare workers treating unvaccinated covid patients. >> we're frustrated, we're aggravated. this could have been prevented. >> we could have avoted this whole wave if more people in our country had done and just gotten two shots. >> when all these people who are dying who didn't get vaccinated are wishing they got the vaccination, it's wearing and it makes us angry. >> trevor: yeah, people, i don't blame these healthcare workers one bit for feeling fed up. they're being forced to deal with a completely preventable crisis. that's not what they signed up for. they signed up to treat people for things that we don't have vaccines for, and to pretend not to judge you when you've got weird things stuck up your butt. nurses don't have a problem treating people rescued from a burning building. what would be frustrating is treating people who ran into the

building if they saw a tiktok that said fire can't burn you if you tier in your 30s. what's frustrating about this pandemic is it could be under control and should be, but now they have to fight it all over again. it's like if when world war ii ended everybody said, hitler's dead! let's go home! and one guy was, like, no, i fixed him, guys! now he's angrier than ever! so nurses are understandably pissed off now and no matter how dedicated you are to a profession, everyone has a breaking point. nearly two years into serving on the front lines of this war, a lot of them are updating their linkedins. >> some hospitals experiencing critical staffing shortages as frontline workers say they feel like they're under water. >> found 62% of i.c.u. nurses are burned out. >> multiple reasons career nurses are choosing to leave.

>> mississippi has 2,000 fewer nurses than it did at the beginning to have the year. >> in kentucky more than 20 hospitals report critical staffing shortages. >> in hard hit new york there was a h hundred% increase in nurses looking for new jobs. >> people do not understand how severe this is, how bad staffing for nurses is. when times are tough and things are getting rough, they'll have a pizza party. you guys are spread really thin and we can't get new nurses but here's pizza. >> trevor: no, people, you cannot solve a nurse shortage with a pizza party. in fact, it's probably going to make the problem worse because it's the last food you want to feed someone who needs to stay awake for a double shift. i mean, how many times have you had a pizza and then gone on to run a marathon? never, that's how many times. you fell asleep on the couch covered in pepperoni grease using the empty box as a blanket which is surprisingly warm. obviously, nurses quitting is a

huge problem. eth not like you're filling most of those positions. i mean, who would want to become a nurse now in the middle of a pandemic? so, why do you want to be a nurse? i... get to hold the bags of pee. well, you're the only person who applied, so, congrats, you got the job. nobody can blame numberses who decide they can't take this anymore. people quit jobs for wayless, like wayless. i once quit a job because i forget my computer password and i was not in the mood for another we believey -- wedgie from i.t. nurses say their job is only getting harder and some of their colleagues are abandoning ship for a much stupider reason. >> at a time when they're already staffing shortages, some nurses are threatening to quit if forced to get the covid vaccine. >> one hospital in upstate new york will stop delivering

babies after workers resigned over vaccine man dates. >> houston hospitals accepted the resignation of over 150 nurses and other staff members who refused mandatory covid vaccinations. >> show of hands, how many of you have gotten a covid vaccine. >> these are four healthcare workers from different hospitals in north carolina. why not? >> we don't know what the long-term side effects are. >> it also hasn't proven to be effective. >> the c.d.c. and other health experts say it's more than 90% effective. >> i have the right to question anybody in this country i want to question. >> you are entitled to your opinion but these are facts. >> are they, though? are they facts? >> trevor: this nurse is a genius. she knows to stop an unvaccinated person you must think like a unvaccinated person. to kill covid, you must die of covid. so obvious now. for real, how are you going to

be a nurse and not believe in medicine? it's like working at home depot and not believing that you should hide from customers. hello? can anybody tell me where the ladders are? hello! you know what blows my mind about this whole thing is these are healthcare professionals who are falling for this stuff. like it's one thing when i. getting medical advice from a random web site, but i don't want my nurse to also be, like, i'm going to give you these pills i heard about on reddit, they've got a ton of up votes. thanks to a lot of unvaccinated people, the burden that's been placed on nurses is almost unimaginable. maybe for whatever reason if you don't have sympathy for the nurses, maybe you're like, uh, i don't know, an asshole, well, guess what? when there aren't enough nurses to go around and the ones there are burnt out, you might be the one who ends up paying the price. >> across the united states, nursing shortages are causing delays in care and increase the risk of medical error.

>> normally critical care nurses are one to one or one with to two. now they're seeing one to three, four, five. >> nurses in some hospitals caring for as many as ten patients. >> every patient added to a nurse's workload is associated with a 7% increase in the odds the patient will die just after common surge wall procedures. >> healthcare avkd cats say nurse burnouts can lead to chart errors, administering incorrect doses of medication, even applying the incorrected micle treatments to the wrong patient. >> a burned out nurse is a dangerous nurse, an exhausted nurse is not a safe nurse. >> trevor: guys, this should be obvious, but nurses are the last people you want making mistakes on the job. if someone working at taco bell is burned out and distracted, the worst thing that happens is you walk out with a tortilla

wrapped incheese instead of the other way around. but the mistakes the numberses can make are much more serious, and this is something that should scare even the anti-vaxxers out there. you might think you will never get sick from covid but selfish pricks can end up in the hospital for lots of reasons. what if you bust your larynx from screaming at a waiter? now you're in the hospital and your voice is too burned out to tell the burned out nurse they accidentally hooked up your i.v. to a bottle of pee. oh, wait, that's my pee! i know... whether you're just someone who caress about nurses or you just correspondent want to die from a bad paper cut, there's something you can do to show your gratitude to the nurses and make their lives "les miserables." take a look. >> nurses need our help now more than ever and it's time for us all to do our part. i agree, that's why i'm going to

start clapping again every night at 7:00. no, nurses don't want that. they want you to get vaccinated. oh, i'm still gathering research. shut up, and go get vaccinated. okay, all right. >> i'm supporting our nurses with facebook posts. >> did you get the vaccine? >> yeah, well, i've just been too busy to schedule it, you know. >> why not schedule it now? >> sure. okay. >> go ahead, i'll watch. >> nurses need muffins. >> get vaccinated! >> okay, okay, i'm going, going. okay. >> drop the damn muffins, go out the door! let's go! so come on, america, let's do our part. do our part means get vaccinated. just one time, are you (~bleep~) kidding me? fair enough, fair enough. >> trevor: when we come back, we'll look at the big winners of

the covid pandemic. stick around. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ my hygienist cleans with a round head. ♪ ♪ so does my oral-b my hygienist personalizes my cleaning. so does my oral-b oral-b delivers the wow of a professional clean feel every day.

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(burke) get a whole lot of something with farmers policy perks. wait, i didn't ruin the ending, did i? (woman) yeah, y-you did. ♪ we are farmers. bum-pa-dum, bum-bum-bum-bum ♪ >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! ac you know last night was the 73rd annual emmy awards aka television's birthday party. i was at the ceremony in los angeles last nights. as fun as the emmys, are i'm more excited about the second annual pandemmy awards. we thought it would be fun to honor some of the most odd standing performances of the coronavirus pandemic. we brie it out because we were, like, we definitely won't do this more than once, it won't be like covid will still be here in 2021. remember when we had hope? ( crying ) yeah, the pan demies are back and you will be voting for the winners. so focus. ten categories this year and they're all extremely

competitive. for instance, there were a lot of people who compared president biden's anti-covid efforts to various events from the past. but these nominees for best historical adaptation, well, they really, really reached for the stars. >> the nominees for best historical adaptation are -- tucker carlson, jim crow. >> medical jim crow has come to america. if we still had water fountains the unvaccinated would have separate ones. >> steve hilton, apartheid. >> vaccination wants mass apartheid in schools. >> candace owen, segregation. >> segregation is reintroduced under the guise of medical safety. >> marjorie taylor green, nazi germany. >> we can look back in history where people were told to wear a gold star and they were definitely treated like second class citizens so much so that they were put in trains and taken to gas chambers in gnatsia

germany, and this is exactly the type of abuse that nancy pelosi is talking about. >> trevor: whoo! that's a tough category! i mean, as a south african, i think the apartheid comparison was easily the best, being forced to wear masks is a lot like apartheid. we all remember how nelson mandela said i refuse to wear a face diaper! famous words, man, because that's what apartheid was, if you didn't choose to be white, then you were oppressed and this is the exact same thing. one of the reasons i love this category is people are making wild historical analogies when there's already an actual history of pandemics and vaccine mandates. they could be comparing it to today. they don't need to make up a new thing. like if tomorrow an enormous passengers ship crashed into an iceberg and some pundit said, i tell you what, this is exactly like the japanese interment

camps -- or like the movie starring leonardo dicaprio. it's like a bear attack, too, i guess! it's always exciting to cheer on the politicians and the pundits, but at the pandemmies, some of the highlights from show stopping turns from people who aren't famous. >> the nominees for outstanding dramatic performance by a concerned citizen are vaccine made me diabetic. >> explain to me why the key sticks to me. if somebody can explain this, it would be great. >> black light 2.0. >> you take a black light flash light and shine it on your face and you will glow in the black light because you're no longer human. you're 2.0s and we are afraid of you! >> bioweapon jab. >> this is a plandemic -- fake virus, bioweapon jab. trump won. >> good guys, bad things. >> there's hell coming and i'm not doing it to threaten

anybody, but there's a lot of good guys out there ready to do bad things soon! >> hail fauci. >> asked, how many vaccines have you had? have you been a good little nazie? hail fauci! hail fauci! hail fauci! >> trevor: okay, i want that guy to win, you know, just because of how incredible his acceptance speech will be. i want to thank so many people! my agent, my whole team at c.a.a., hail my wife and kids! i love you guys! go to bed! don't you play that makes for me! i'll kill you! i'll kill you! stop the music now! i'll kill you! though i think the black light lady deserves an ward for everything she's been through. pandemic aside, that's somebody that's seen a lot of spur. as exciting as this category is, it's one thing to turn in an epic performance at a public

hearing. i mean, that's basically like being on stage with a script. what i really admire is people who can think on their feet and improvise a scene where you don't expect one like these nominees for best mile high meltdown. >> the nominees for best mile high melt down are you're a liar. >> you are ally yarr! you're ally yarr! >> asouthwest flight attendant telling this passenger to get off the plane after apparently refusing to wear her mask. ( applause ) the flight attendant even does a dance. >> this is tyranny. >> this is tyranny! it's wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong! if we don't stand up, it's only going to get worse. >> you guys (~bleep~) suck! >> you guys (~bleep~) suck! ( shouting )

>> help! >> really! ( growling ) >> one (~bleep~) sucking remark. >> you gave me one (~bleep~) warning. one warning! >> turn around! ( shouting ) ( cheering ) >> trevor: oooh! okay. i know the guy eating his mask seems like a shoe-in but you never know. maybe that was just a better meal option and those try-ass play meals. and i do hope whoever wins this award offers to share the award with the one person in particular who helped them all achieve this honor -- the

bartender at terminal four. although they probably won't be able to accept the award in person since they're all on the no-fly list now, which is why this category is proudly brought to you by hertz rent acar. hertz, at least the only person going insane will be you. that's just a preview of the awards you can vote on now. go to pandemmy awards.com to watch all the videos and vote for your favorite. then follow us online to find out who wins. just kidding. we all lose. we all lose. ( crying ) all right, when we come back, olympic superstar aly raisman will talk to me about her documentary that's shaking gymnastics to its core. so don't go my hygienist cleans with a round head. so does my oral-b my hygienist personalizes my cleaning.

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♪ woo ♪ ♪ ♪ roll out the red carpet for me ♪ “ladies and gentlemen, that's a wrap!" ♪ ♪ [doorbell] ♪ ♪ [doorbell] ♪ ♪ [doorbell] all the delivery. no delivery fees. dashpass. visible is wireless that doesn't play games. no surprise fees, legit unlimited data, no delivery fees. for as little as $25 a month. and the best part? it's powered by verizon. but it gets crazier. bring a friend every month, and get every month for $5. which is why i brought them. two $5-a-months right here. (both) hey. plus the players in my squad. hey. what's up? then finally, my whole livestream. boom! 12 months of $5 wireless. (announcer) visible. unlimited data as low as $25 a month. or bring a friend and you both get a month for $5. wireless that gets better with friends. my guest tonight is a gymnast and six-time olympic medalist, alley aly raisman. she's here to talk about shining a light on sexual abuse and

advocating for survivors in her new documentary special "darkness to light." >> so i've had to work a lot in therapy of phiing out a way to set a boundary with a stranger who's also a survivor who's also so traumatized who wants to share this part of their life with me that's so vulnerable and so raw, and, so, i really had to work on, in therapy, how can i kindly say to them, i support you and i believe you, but i just have to remind you, i am in my healing, too, and i get really triggered and if you just go into graphic detail, it really affects me. >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." >> hi, how are you? thanks for having me. >> trevor: i'm doing fantastic. thank you so much for being on. most people who know you, you know, whether they know you from being an olympic champion or the face of team u.s.a. know you because you evoke a positive

emotion in them. they know you because we've cheered for you, we've celebrated your victories and we have been there when things have been tough. but over the past few years, some of the tough has been tougher than it has to be for any human being out there. recently we saw yourself and your teammates testifying in front of congress talking about one of the most harrowing stories in american gymnastics history and an abuse case that really never should have gotten to the point that it got to. you have a special that is talking about this where you delve into the subject. i know it's really sensitive so let's start with that. as a survivor, as somebody who is dealing with the story every single day, were you not afraid that as aly raisman you would trigger yourself and be in a place where as a person you might bring up so many of the issues you have been trying to work on since the ordeal? >> you know, when i first shared my story publicly, i never imagined all the support that i would get, and i am continually blown away by the support that myself and my teammates and

fellow survivors, the support that we get, and i want people to know how much that has personally helped me, and it helps me get out of bed on the toughest days. what people -- what i didn't realize when i first came forward is i hadn't processed it on my own. so i think what i am realizing over the last few years is i'm dealing with the abuse personally but also publicly at the same time, so i never thought about that because everything kind of happened so fast and it was more of a decision of i can't sit back and watch these organizations do nothing. so i think the way that i can compare it to is sometimes it feels like an open wound that won't heal and, you know, what people don't often realize is abuse isn't something that you just suffer in the moment. it unfortunately can carry on with you for a really long time and the way a survivor is healed is linked to the way their abuse is handled. the power of one adult supporting a survivor and doing

the right thing is so important. i think our case has been so public, and while i'm so grateful for the support that we have from people all over the world, it's incredible, the organizations and people in positions of power, you know, continue to cover it up, gas light uses and treat us so horribly. so i am trying you now in my everyday moments to focus on the support i feel from strangers and people in my family because i know that most survivors don't get the support i get so i do feel very lucky. >> trevor: when you were making this special, you had to relive a lot of your trauma, you had to speak to fellow survivors, and, i mean, talk through some to have the worst experiences that they had. from your perspective alone, what do you think justice looks like? what do you think the changes need to be in order for people to feel more protected in a world that hasn't protected them for so long? >> it was really interesting. so before i found the show

"darkness to light," i used to think justice to me was accountability, and i still think it does, in some capacity, and i also think that it means that we need to be looking at a full and independent investigation to have the f.b.i., u.s.a. gymnastics and the united states olympic and paralympic committee and looking at the interplay of all three organizations, going back decades. nothing is off limit. access to text midges, data, anything and everything so we understand who knew what when and there's no guesswork or speculation. in my opinion, that's the only way we can believe in a safer future. but there is -- when i was filming the show, we had a bunch of different survivors on and one of the survivors had mentioned that, to her, justice meant that it never happened, and that is something that has stuck with me that is really -- really has stuck with me, and i've thought a lot about and, you know, it was -- it was not

surprising, unfortunately, with the world that we live in where, you know, my abuser is in jail, but there were in survivors i met with that didn't feel safe going to law enforcement. >> trevor: right. >> so i am grateful that they gave me the time to share their stories with me and to hear everyone's different perspective on what justice pent many to them was really eye opening to me and has really actually changeninged the way i view justice because i recognize that it's such a privilege my abuser is in jail and even the fact that i felt comfortable going to law enforcement, i know so many other survivors don't have that, and i don't want to live in a world like that. >> trevor: for yourself, as an individual, as aly raisman, what do you do that helps you heal? like where have you found your healing comes from beyond just burying it, beyond trying to forget about it, how do you work on healing those wounds? >> i've thought about this a lot and, you know, i think about this in the sense of, for

example, with the last couple of days, if maggie, mckayla or simone came to me and said that they were struggling, i would listen to them, i would try to be a good friend to them, i would tell them that however they feel is valid and take time for themselves. today before this interview, i was having a little bit of a tougher day since i testified, and i was starting to be a little bit hard on myself because i think often we can be our own biggest critics and i thought to myself if simone was calling me right now i would be nicer to her than i'm being to myself. so i think the biggest thing in my healing is recognizing i need to have self-compassion and be nice to myself, and coming from the sport of gymnastics where it's all about trying to be perfect, that's hard for me to do and to be kind to myself. even when i do interviews, i watch them back and i'm hard on myself if i feel i didn't say the right thing because i know some to have the survivors don't have the platform i have and i take that very seriously.

so the biggest thing for me has been being nice to myself and treating myself the way that i would treat a loved one or someone that i care about, but it's definitely something that i work on and it's a struggle sometimes. >> trevor: well, i'll tell you this much, you inspire everyone who's been through a similar circumstancers and i think you inspire the rest of us to try and make the world a little bit better and to hopefully not to be as hard on ourselves as we live our daily lives. aly, thank you for your time. thank you for creating a special that's going to resonate with a lot of people and hopefully this won't be something that happens to so many others out there. thank you so much for your time, aly. >> thank you. >> trevor: alabama, "darkness to light" premieres

tonight, but before we go -- "the daily show" is launching a new merch collection! it's inspired by our segment "if you don't know now you know," and 100% of viacomcbs's proceeds will be donated to 826 national, the largest youth writing network in the country that sets up underserved students for success with the power of writing. if you want to support 826 national and look fresh, scan the qr code below or head to the link below. until tomorrow -- stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember: if you're arrested for murder, just say that you thought that dude was a lantern fly. now, here it is... your moment of zen. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ >> when it comes to illegal immigration, the biden administration lies like they

breathe. they're like, uh -- they're like time share zales salesmen. it would be like trusting harvey weinstein with your daughter. the taliban gets blackhawks and the unvaccinated get fired. i think he ought to stop bellowing and honking on like a goose -- roses are red, political love is fake. washington weddings are just funerals with cake. now, to answer your question, even duct tape can't fix stupid. oh! aug-- oh. what is this, a-- a meatball? really? it's always more fun to mess with dwight with an audience.

that was usually pam, so now that she's out, i had to find someone else. turns out that stanley is quite the comedy fan. but not everything makes him laugh. he has very specific tastes. through a painstaking process of trial and error, i found out what he likes. and it's really weird. jim, come on. so juvenile. what the? you've been meatballed! dwight: ah. are you ready for some meatball? oh, man. this is not very clever, jim. i know. look for your stapler. really, jim? really? very funny. ok. good night.

what's the haul? 32 meatballs. good day. that idiot's been feeding us for a week. we'll never have to buy meatballs again. [music playing] dunder mifflin. jessica, hi. how are you? oh, yay. that's so great to hear. i'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. they have their life, and i have mine. i'm taking an italian class. so far, i have learned tortellini, spaghettini, linguine. well, it's not so much a class as a restaurant.

but i do monday, wednesday, friday from 7:00 to 9:00. i will patch you through right now. you sound really pretty today. ok. jessica i love you. that's a message from my mom. my parents met jessica, and they completely flipped for her. so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. i know. whoa, pump the brakes, bernard. too early, i get it. i just-- you know, i'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. i haven't proposed to anyone in years. mom took the main diamond out. she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it. but-- ooh, looks pretty nice. got a little bit of "the shining" vibe, though. oh, who needs a house that size? big. stupid. pure chump bait. i'm selling the house, actually. you know, there's a glare from over here. oh, wow. that's magnificent. it's mid recession in a depressed area of a faltering state, and i've got the most expensive house on the market. the 1% are suffering too, people.